This list of 100 Attachment and Attunement Needs is inspired by Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your goal with this Wisdom Tool is to identify then practice these behaviors to build “Earned Secure Attachments” and Attunement with each other (or your “neighbors”), as these behaviors yield powerful relationship and healing outcomes.  

Remember, Earned Secure Attachment refers to your ability to develop a stable and trusting relationship in adulthood, despite the presence of earlier “Insecure Attachments” (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized), most likely developed in your family of origin. Attunement is your ability to be emotionally present and responsive to your partner’s (or another’s) internal experience when shared with you.  Both are essential for creating emotional safety, an intimate and meaningful connection with each other, and are important skills to develop to Healthy Adult Mode strength, support, and I can’t say it enough, healing in your heart, soul, mind and relationships! 

In the list below, the Attachment/Attunement needs are divided into 5 areas:

1. Number 1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence
2. Number 21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust
3. Number 41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness
4. Number 61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support
5. Number 81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

Note: In each of the entries below, the Attachment Need is in bold type, (the Attunement need is in parentheses), insight about the need is provided and an example of the need in action is italicized.   

So to cultivate healthy Attachment and Attunement in your relationships, I encourage you to: 

1. Select 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs that are important to you and discuss why they’re important to you with your partner.  Were the Attachment needs you chose developed and delivered to you in your family of origin?  If not, which ones are crucial to your current growth process, especially as you consider the idea of working on and re-parenting yourself? 

2. Equally, ask your Partner which 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs are important to them.  What have you heard them say, and just as important, what has God gently mentioned to you regarding the intimacy needs He wants you to develop in your relationship garden?  In your discussion, “paint” a vivid and clear picture of what the fulfillment of the need would look like.  

3. Over the next 120 days, make a daily commitment to develop, grow and deliver the Attachment needs you chose (and heard from your spouse) for your mutual benefit.  Feel free to “mix and match” the suggestions below, or, rewrite the examples in your own words to express your sentiments exactly. Finally, revisit and adjust this “living document” over the micro seasons (every 4 months) to determine if you’re meeting your goals of developing healthy Adult Mode Behavior and Earned Secure Attachments in your relationships!  I wish you the best!  Dr. Ken McGill 

1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence

1. Feeling safe in your partner’s presence (Consistent Presence): By being emotionally available even in ordinary moments, your partner senses that your presence is a reliable place of safety. “Even on quiet days, I show up emotionally, so she never have to guess if I’m truly here.”

2. Emotional availability when you need them (Patience): When your partner is overwhelmed, offering a calm and patient space without rushing them fosters safety and availability.  “When he’s flooded, I’ll wait without pressure, showing him I’m here for as long as he needs.”

3. Being listened to without judgment (Active Listening): Focusing fully on their words without interrupting affirms to them that their voice matters. “I let her speak freely, staying silent until she’s done so she feels completely heard.”

4. Feeling accepted for who you truly are (Empathy): Validating their core self without trying to change or fix fosters deep acceptance.  “I embrace all of who he is, especially the parts he fears might be too much.”

5. Receiving consistent support during hard times (Consistent Presence):  Showing up emotionally and practically during stress builds secure trust. “No matter what life throws at us, I remind her I won’t disappear when things get hard.”

6. Knowing your partner has your back in difficult situations (Reflective Listening): Summarizing their concerns and affirming your alliance reinforces security. “I mirror her stress and then say, ‘I’ve got you, no matter what,’ and she believes me.”

7. Having space to express emotions freely (Curiosity): Asking thoughtful, open-ended questions encourages emotional openness. “I ask, ‘What’s really going on inside?’ to let his deeper feelings surface safely.”

8. Being able to show vulnerability without fear (Eye Contact:) Gentle, non-demanding eye contact conveys safe, accepting presence. “I hold her gaze with warmth when she cries, so she’ll know she’s not alone.” 

9. Emotional attunement – your partner notices and responds to your feelings (Non-Verbal Cues):  Responding to subtle shifts in expression or tone helps them feel seen.  “I read his face and soften my body, showing I feel what he’s feeling before he speaks.”

10. Feeling reassured about your relationship (Physical Touch): A hand squeeze or hug at the right moment reinforces connection.  “I reach for her hand when she looks uncertain, anchoring her in our bond.”

11. Being able to share secrets without fear of them being used against you (Emotional Validation):  Honoring his disclosures without weaponizing them builds deep trust.  “When he shares a secret, I simply thank him and protect that trust like sacred ground.”

12. Feeling validated in your experiences and emotions (Empathy): Naming and feeling their emotions with them helps them feel deeply affirmed.  “I say, ‘That must have hurt so much,’ and mean it, so she never has to doubt her own story.”

13. Receiving comfort when you’re sad or anxious (Physical Touch): A calm, supportive touch says more than words can when they’re in distress. “When words fail, I pull him close and just breathe with him until he relaxes and softens.” 

14. Being able to cry in front of your partner (Patience): Remaining calm and accepting when they cry teaches them that tears are welcome. “I sit with her tears without trying to end them; just letting her release happen safely.”

15. Knowing your partner prioritizes you over others (Consistent Presence): Repeated actions that show you choose them reinforce that they matter most.  “I put down my phone when he walks in the room, because he deserves my full attention.”

16. Having someone to turn to when overwhelmed (Active Listening): Being immediately responsive when they reach out signals reliability.  “When she says ‘I need you,’ I stop what I’m doing and tune in fully, because she matters.”

17. Feeling like a priority in your partner’s life (Eye Contact): Maintaining warm, steady eye contact when they speak says, you matter most right now. “I look him in the eyes and let my gaze say what words can’t: ‘I’m here for you first.’”

18. Being able to show anger or frustration without fear of rejection (Reflective Listening): Repeating back their angry words without defensiveness shows they are safe even in strong emotion. “I say, ‘You’re upset because I really hurt you, and that opens space in her instead of shutting her down.”

19. Receiving empathy for your struggles (Empathy): Joining them emotionally and offering resonance instead of solutions creates shared humanity.  “I don’t solve it; I feel it with him, which often matters more than any advice.”

20. Feeling like your partner understands you deeply (Curiosity): Continually seeking to know more about their inner world affirms lasting interest and care.  “Even after all this time, I still ask her, ‘What’s that like for you?’ because I want to know her more.”

Thanks for reading these Wisdom Tool: 100 Attachment and Attunement Behaviors (Part 1 of 5), and for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful. these Wisdom Tool: 100 Attachment and Attunement Behaviors (Part 1 of 5), and for reading this excerpt from