This list of 100 Attachment and Attunement Needs is inspired by Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your goal with this Wisdom Tool is to identify then practice these behaviors to build “Earned Secure Attachments” and Attunement with each other (or your “neighbors”), as these behaviors yield powerful relationship and healing outcomes.  

Remember, Earned Secure Attachment refers to your ability to develop a stable and trusting relationship in adulthood, despite the presence of earlier “Insecure Attachments” (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized), most likely developed in your family of origin.

Attunement is your ability to be emotionally present and responsive to your partner’s (or another’s) internal experience when shared with you.  Both are essential for creating emotional safety, an intimate and meaningful connection with each other, and are important skills to develop to Healthy Adult Mode strength, support, and I can’t say it enough, healing in your heart, soul, mind and relationships! 

In the list below, the Attachment/Attunement needs are divided into 5 areas:

1. Number 1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence
2. Number 21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust
3. Number 41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness
4. Number 61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support
5. Number 81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

Note: In each of the entries below, the Attachment Need is in bold type, (the Attunement need is in parentheses), insight about the need is provided and an example of the need in action is italicized.   

So to cultivate healthy Attachment and Attunement in your relationships, I encourage you to: 

1. Select 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs that are important to you and discuss why they’re important to you with your partner.  Were the Attachment needs you chose developed and delivered to you in your family of origin?  If not, which ones are crucial to your current growth process, especially as you consider the idea of working on and re-parenting yourself? 

2. Equally, ask your Partner which 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs are important to them.  What have you heard them say, and just as important, what has God gently mentioned to you regarding the intimacy needs He wants you to develop in your relationship garden?  In your discussion, “paint” a vivid and clear picture of what the fulfillment of the need would look like.  

3. Over the next 120 days, make a daily commitment to develop, grow and deliver the Attachment needs you chose (and heard from your spouse) for your mutual benefit.  Feel free to “mix and match” the suggestions below, or, rewrite the examples in your own words to express your sentiments exactly. Finally, revisit and adjust this “living document” over the micro seasons (every 4 months) to determine if you’re meeting your goals of developing healthy Adult Mode Behavior and Earned Secure Attachments in your relationships!  I wish you the best!  Dr. Ken McGill

21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust: 

21. Receiving compliments on your efforts and qualities (Reflective Listening): By echoing your partner’s strengths aloud, they internalize their worth through your eyes. “When I say, ‘You’ve handled this so well,’ I reflect back the strength I see in him.”

22. Being cherished for your uniqueness (Curiosity): Asking about what lights them up shows you value what makes them different. “I ask her what brings her joy because her uniqueness deserves to be seen and celebrated.”

23. Feeling valued for what you bring to the relationship (Emotional Validation): Affirming the specific ways they contribute helps them feel indispensable.  “I say, ‘I couldn’t do this without your calm presence,’ because I want him to feel his impact on me.”

24. Knowing your partner trusts you completely (Eye Contact): Steady, open eye contact during vulnerable moments conveys deep trust. “I look into his eyes without flinching when I’m scared, and it shows I trust who he is.”

25. Experiencing transparency in your partner’s actions (Consistent Presence): Showing up with honesty in your daily habits reinforces emotional safety. “She’ll see I’m consistent in word and action, so she never has to wonder what’s real.”

26. Being shown gratitude for the small things you do (Physical Touch): A touch combined with thanks creates embodied appreciation. “When I say thank you and place my hand over his, I show that small acts matter deeply to me.”

27. Having your opinions respected even if they differ (Active Listening): Letting them fully express differing views without defensiveness fosters mutual respect.  “I let her finish her point, even if I disagree, because she deserves to be heard all the way through.”

28. Feeling like your partner is proud of you (Non-Verbal Cues): Smiling, clapping, or lighting up when they succeed reinforces unspoken pride. “I beam when he shares a win because his joy becomes my pride too.”

29. Knowing your partner speaks positively of you to others (Empathy): Telling others kind truths about them reflects an understanding of their value and desire to honor it. “I brag about her to friends because I know how much it would mean if our roles were reversed.”

30. Receiving positive affirmations regularly (Emotional Validation): Regular affirmations build emotional confidence. “I say, ‘You’re doing better than you think,’ so her self-doubt isn’t the loudest voice she hears.”

31. Being told “I love you” genuinely (Eye Contact): Saying “I love you” while holding eye contact increases emotional resonance. “When I say the words, I look into his eyes so he can feel it land in his soul.”

32. Feeling like you’re admired by your partner (Non-Verbal Cues): A warm look or light touch can convey admiration without words. “The way I look at her when she isn’t watching speaks volumes about how I see her.”

33. Receiving appreciation for your sacrifices (Reflective Listening): Acknowledging the cost of their choices shows honor and awareness. “I say, ‘I know you gave up a lot for us,’ because he shouldn’t have to explain his sacrifice.”

34. Feeling supported when you take risks (Patience): Giving them space and support without pushing eases their fears. “I wait beside her calmly when she leaps, knowing support sometimes looks like silent presence.”

35. Being able to relax around your partner (Physical Touch): A warm, calming gesture can help them drop their guard.  “I hold his hand gently as he exhales; our touch says, ‘You’re safe to be yourself here.’”

36. Experiencing loyalty in actions, not just words (Consistent Presence): Showing up repeatedly with integrity solidifies relational trust. “My follow through proves more than promises, reminding her she’s never second in my life.”

37. Trusting your partner to keep their promises (Active Listening): Recalling and following through on previous words builds credibility. “When she says, ‘You remembered,’ I know I’ve kept trust by listening with intention.”

38. Knowing your partner respects your boundaries (Empathy): Tuning into why a boundary exists fosters mutual care. “When he says ‘no,’ I honor it, knowing respect sometimes means stepping back with compassion and understanding.”

39. Receiving encouragement during self-doubt (Curiosity): Gently asking about their internal fears opens a door to supportive encouragement. “I ask, ‘What part of you feels unsure?’ so I can meet it with belief and care.”

40. Feeling appreciated for your quirks and differences (Emotional Validation): Voicing affection for their quirks turns potential shame into shared joy. “I laugh with him about his weird snack habits; not to mock him, but to say, ‘I love all of you.’”

Thanks for reading these Wisdom Tool: 100 Attachment and Attunement Behaviors (Part 2 of 5), and for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful.