This list of 100 Attachment and Attunement Needs is inspired by Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your goal with this Wisdom Tool is to identify then practice these behaviors to build “Earned Secure Attachments” and Attunement with each other (or your “neighbors”), as these behaviors yield powerful relationship and healing outcomes.  

Remember, Earned Secure Attachment refers to your ability to develop a stable and trusting relationship in adulthood, despite the presence of earlier “Insecure Attachments” (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized), most likely developed in your family of origin.

Attunement is your ability to be emotionally present and responsive to your partner’s (or another’s) internal experience when shared with you.  Both are essential for creating emotional safety, an intimate and meaningful connection with each other, and are important skills to develop for Healthy Adult Mode strength, support, and I can’t say it enough, healing in your heart, soul, mind and relationships! 

In the list below, the Attachment/Attunement needs are divided into 5 areas:

1. Number 1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence
2. Number 21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust
3. Number 41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness
4. Number 61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support
5. Number 81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

Note: In each of the entries below, the Attachment Need is in bold type, (the Attunement need is in parentheses), insight about the need is provided and an example of the need in action is italicized.   

So to cultivate healthy Attachment and Attunement in your relationships, I encourage you to: 

1. Select 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs that are important to you and discuss why they’re important to you with your partner.  Were the Attachment needs you chose developed and delivered to you in your family of origin?  If not, which ones are crucial to your current growth process, especially as you consider the idea of working on and re-parenting yourself? 

2. Equally, ask your Partner which 10 – 15 of the Attachment/Intimacy needs are important to them.  What have you heard them say, and just as important, what has God gently mentioned to you regarding the intimacy needs He wants you to develop in your relationship garden?  In your discussion, “paint” a vivid and clear picture of what the fulfillment of the need would look like.  

3. Over the next 120 days, make a daily commitment to develop, grow and deliver the Attachment needs you chose (and heard from your spouse) for your mutual benefit.  Feel free to “mix and match” the suggestions below, or, rewrite the examples in your own words to express your sentiments exactly. Finally, revisit and adjust this “living document” over the micro seasons (every 4 months) to determine if you’re meeting your goals of developing healthy Adult Mode Behavior and Earned Secure Attachments in your relationships!  I wish you the best!  Dr. Ken McGill

81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

81. Receiving support for your personal growth (Emotional Validation): Affirming your partner’s aspirations, even if different from your own, reinforces mutual empowerment. “I say, ‘I’m so proud of how far you’ve come,’ because his growth matters greatly to me.”

82. Being inspired by your partner’s growth (Curiosity): Asking about their process and motivations builds admiration and shared purpose.  “I ask, ‘What’s been driving you lately?’ so I can celebrate what’s blossoming in her.”

83. Feeling like you’re growing together as a couple (Reflective Listening): Naming and affirming your shared progress creates a deeper sense of unity.  “I say, ‘Look at how much we’ve learned together,’ because mutual growth bonds us.”

84. Knowing your partner values your opinions on important matters (Active Listening): Seeking their input with genuine interest confirms their voice carries weight.  “I ask, ‘What do you think?’ because her perspective shapes our direction.”

85. Experiencing flexibility in adapting to changes together (Patience): Adjusting together with grace during transition builds long-term resilience.  “I breathe and live with him through the unknown, showing him I’m not going anywhere while things shift.”

86. Receiving encouragement to be your authentic self (Empathy): Supporting their truth with kindness allows their real self to emerge safely.  “When she shows me a raw part of herself, I respond with warmth, not critique.”

87. Feeling secure in your partner’s love through ups and downs (Consistent Presence): Showing up reliably in every season reinforces relational stability. “Even in conflict or quiet, I’ll stay emotionally available, so he never has to wonder if I’ve left.”

88. Knowing your partner is committed to the relationship (Eye Contact): Locking eyes with assurance during hard moments can reaffirm commitment more than words.  “I hold her gaze when things get tough, saying without words, ‘I’m still all in.’”

89. Being able to ask for help without feeling like a burden (Non-Verbal Cues): Gentle responses to their needs, even before they speak, to create a safe “asking space.”  “I step in to help before she asks, showing that needing me isn’t a burden; I actually welcome her requests!” 

90. Receiving help with responsibilities when overwhelmed (Physical Touch): Offering physical presence or aid with a supportive gesture softens the load. “I place a hand on his back while gardening with him, partnering together in more than just words.”

91. Being able to celebrate each other’s successes fully (Empathy): Feeling joy for their wins deepens intimacy and connection. “When she succeeds, I cheer like it’s my own victory, because when she wins, we both win.”

92. Feeling like you’re a team in decision-making (Reflective Listening): Mirroring their thoughts during planning helps clarify that you’re in this together.  “I say, ‘So what I’m hearing is you’d prefer option A,’ because shared direction needs shared clarity.”

93. Experiencing joy in everyday moments together (Non-Verbal Cues): Smiles, laughter, and playful gestures make mundane moments meaningful. “I catch his eye mid-laugh and feel the spark that says, ‘This is our joy.’”

94. Receiving forgiveness when mistakes happen (Patience): Offering time and grace for imperfection signals enduring love. “I don’t rush her apology or my forgiveness; I give us space to return gently to each other.”

95. Having shared goals and visions for the future (Curiosity): Exploring each other’s hopes fosters unity and future-oriented dreaming.  “I ask, ‘Where do you imagine us in five years?’ because dreaming together keeps us aligned.”

96. Feeling like you’re on the same page about major life decisions (Active Listening): Aligning through clear, engaged dialogue ensures mutual clarity and peace. “We talk it through slowly, checking in often to make sure we’re truly together on this.”

97. Receiving space when needed without feeling abandoned (Consistent Presence): Giving space while remaining emotionally available fosters trust.  “I say, ‘I’m here when you’re ready,’ so she knows distance doesn’t mean disconnection.”

98. Being able to express concerns without fear of retribution (Emotional Validation): Welcoming their concerns without defensiveness creates true relational safety.  “I respond to hard feedback with curiosity, not attack, because love listens even when it’s hard to hear.”

99. Feeling secure that your partner won’t leave during tough times (Eye Contact): Reaffirming love with a grounded gaze when things are hard strengthens emotional safety.  “I meet her eyes and say, ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ so she feels anchored and not alone.”

100. Experiencing unconditional love that withstands challenges (Consistent Presence): Loving steadily in good and bad seasons is the heart of secure attachment.  “I stay present through every storm, not because it’s easy, but because he’s worth it.”

Thanks for reading these Wisdom Tool: 100 Attachment and Attunement Behaviors (Part 1 of 5), and for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful.