This is the second 3-part set of posts to follow the first 3-part set entitled: 

1. Reparenting and Loving Yourself (1.5) with the Shema, Blessing and 8 C’s of IFS principles

2. Internal Family System (IFS) “8 C’s”: Calmness, Clarity, Curiosity, Compassion, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, Connectedness.
3. McGill’s “8 C’s” for our IFS: Consciousness, Care, Current, Choice, Collaboration, Communication, Celebration, Christ.

Please visit post #1 above (“Reparenting and Loving Yourself, 1.5”) for introductory comments regarding the need and benefit of reparenting yourself, which is the platform from which this second 3-part set about Reparenting and Loving Others (2.0) emerges.g yourself, which is the platform from which this second 3-part set about Reparenting and Loving Others (2.0) emerges.  

As much as the Reparenting and Loving Yourself (1.5) focuses on the development and practice of skilled behaviors that helps you to creatively reparent, love, bless and develop Attachment and Attunement skills to help yourself, Reparenting and Loving Others (2.0) is focused on developing and applying your Attachment and Attunement skills with others, to build and enjoy “earned secure attachments” in those relationships. 

 So just like in the Reparent 1.5, here, in the Reparenting 2.0 you have 25 suggestions to assist you in your process of developing skilled behavior to learn how to build secure attachments and attunement with others, in your effort to cultivate and enjoy good and strong attachments with others in your life. 

This would also be a perfect time to integrate insights and practices from five other “Wisdom Tools: 100 Attachment and Attunement Solutions,” as the information provided in these posts is offered to increase your ability to cultivate strong and vibrant connections and outcomes with your Partner.  

In the list below, the Attachment/Attunement needs are divided into 5 areas:

1. Number 1 – 20: Emotional Safety and Presence
2. Number 21 – 40: Affirmation, Appreciation and Trust
3. Number 41 – 60: Physical Affection and Closeness
4. Number 61 – 80: Communication and Emotional Support
5. Number 81 – 100: Growth, Stability and Teamwork

 Finally, as I mentioned in Reparent and Loving Yourself (1.5 version), you still may need to give yourself permission “rewrite the old narratives in your mind and body that have been connected to contaminated wisdom.”  Remember, this is understandable, as old, outdated “1.0” version rules and roles connected to the past need to be revisited and replaced with loving and life-affirming “2.0” version upgrades, and often this is difficult to do.  As mentioned before, I encourage you to stay with your growth process, and don’t abandon nor regress to the contaminated past, but press on to cultivate, reparent and bless yourself and others with the practice of these principles that bring renewal to your 7 Core Areas as you engage in the exercise of Loving Others as you’ve Loved Yourself!

      So in the words of Jeff Probst, host of the hit TV show “Survivor,” do you want to know what you’re “playing” for (and this is quite the reward!)?

Attachment and Attunement: The Shema, Blessing and 8 C’s+ of Internal Family Systems Principles

This framework blends four key core components to build Recalibrated Wisdom (see table below): 

1. The Shema Principles (Deut. 6:4–9): Blessings God has always wanted to give to you via your caregivers.
2. The Blessing Principles: 5 practical and life affirming principles based on the Shema (Smalley and Trent, 1986, 2019).
3. Internal Family System (IFS) “8 C’s”: Calmness, Clarity, Curiosity, Compassion, Courage, Confidence, Creativity, Connectedness.
4. McGill’s “8 C’s” for our IFS: Consciousness, Care, Current, Choice, Collaboration, Communication, Celebration, Christ.

These four key components are suggested for you to integrate into your daily life to assist you to “rewrite and upgrade” your current operating system (love to your heart, soul, strength and mind, and how you love and treat others).  When practiced, these wisdom behaviors will produce results that not only reflect you’re maturing and healing in your ability to create and maintain (earned) secure attachments and attunement, but you’re also strengthening your ability to develop grow healthy adult mode behaviors!  Worth playing for?  Survivors begin!

The 25 suggestions below will refer to information in this table (i. e., “Shema #1” refers to Row 1, and Column 1; “Blessing #5” refers to Row 5 in Column 2).  Finally, integrate these suggestions to work on… 

Loving Your Neighbor (2.0) as you Love Yourself, because:

• Love cares about what occurs in your body (heart, soul, strength, mind and health).
• Love speaks life-affirming encouragement and it inspires and empowers us.
• Love encourages intentional and virtuous living, which is the best use of your life energy.
• Love produces a mindset of goal-directed focus, devotion, hope and yields valued outcomes!

25 Strategies to cultivate Secure Attachment and Attunement with your Partner/Others (2.0)

1. I invite shared mindfulness as a safe reset. “Let’s take a moment to ground ourselves so we can reset and co-regulate together; which wisdom tool works the best for you?  Mine is (or are) ____, and when I practice it, it helps me to eliminate the ‘reactive recrimination’ loop swirling in my head and helps me calm down, which helps me to bless our relationship with valuable moments of peace we both need and could benefit from” (Shema #4; Blessing #1 and #5; 8 Cs: Calmness, Current, Choice, Care).

 2. I reflect and validate to affirm worth and connection. “I want to listen reflectively to what you’re saying, so that I respond to your emotions with curiosity, validation, compassion and understanding.  I need to reflect and say to you: ‘What I hear you saying is…, and that makes so much sense to me because…’” (Shema #2; Blessing #2; 8 Cs: Compassion, Communication).

 3. I explore our attachment histories with reverence and compassion. “I’d love to learn more about the life experiences that impacted and shaped you, whether they be good, bad, ugly or traumatic.  I will listen to understand you and bring safety and compassion to the conversation (Shema #3; Blessing #3; 8 Cs: Compassion, Consciousness, Curiosity).

 4. I name and consider our attachment needs as sacred truths to be honored. “I need and want to feel close and important to you; can we talk about that need together?  I’d like for both of us to feel prioritized in our marriage, honoring each other with value by inviting calm, conscious love into our home” (Shema #1; Blessing #3; 8Cs: Calmness; Consciousness, Connection).

 5. I help us identify and name the roots of our triggers with grace. “When you get quiet, I feel panicked.  Can we unpack what’s happening for both of us? I think this is a prime trigger for me, and I now realize I need to demonstrate grace, gentleness and curiosity to the parts within us that are clamoring for attention and could benefit from safe behavior between us” (Shema #3; Blessing #3 and #5; 8 Cs: Clarity, Care, Consciousness).

 6. I translate surface emotions to core needs with compassion. “Underneath your anger, are you feeling hurt or scared?  Let’s talk about that. I want to meet your anger, fear or any emotion you have with curiosity and calm, looking at it and treating you with responses that reflect my love for you” (Shema #1; Blessing #1 and #2; 8 Cs: Clarity, Compassion, Consciousness, Creativity).

 7. I reframe protest behavior as a call for love and safety. “I realize my anger is really sadness, and a protest as a longing for reassurance, because I need to know you love and care about me. So, in the future, instead of rebelling, I’ll share my truth with you, with the hope my comments and actions will draw you closer to me versus pushing you away” (Shema #3; Blessing #1 and #3; 8 Cs: Curiosity, Care, Communication).  

8. I reinforce and deliver earned secure love each day, as a spiritual and emotional anchor on our journey together.  “Even when things are messy, you are safe with me.  I’ll say it every day: ‘You are safe with me, even when we struggle,’ and I mean it with all my heart. As I’ve inscribed in your wedding ring, I’ll be loving you until 8 x 8 x 8 = 4” (Shema #1 and #4; Blessing #1 and #5; 8 Cs: Calmness, Care, Connectedness, Christ).

9. I replace blame with vulnerable truth, blessing my partner with my emotional honesty. “When I felt alone earlier, it scared me, because I do want to be close to you, and not critical.  Going forward, I’ll make an effort to communicate clearly and replace any accusation with ‘I feel scared when….’ I’ll also speak with compassion and clarity, in my effort to demonstrate, and pursue a good, safe and clear connection with you (Shema #2; Blessing #2; 8 Cs: Clarity, Choice, Communication).

 10. I respond to my partner’s emotional bids with intentional presence. “I saw you reach for me, and I want to be better at noticing that.  That’s attunement, and when I attune to your subtle cues and respond with warmth, tenderness, kindness or curiosity, then I know I’m moving closer to creating the ‘earned secure attachment outcome” Dr. McGill spoke about” (Shema #4; Blessing #1 and #3; 8 Cs: Curiosity, Compassion, Care, Christ).

 11. I speak blessing into your life to counter negative inner narratives. “Are you open to a response from me?  Thanks.  I just want to say that the voice in your head that’s saying ‘I’m too much’ is incorrect; let me speak the truth: You are a gift to me, and the one of the best blessings I’ve received in my life.  I want to speak a blessing over your inner critic: ‘You are not too much. You are dearly loved’” (Shema #2; Blessing #2 and #3; 8 Cs: Compassion, Christ, Choice, Confidence, Celebration).

 12. I practice secure attachment language as a blessing. “I want you to know I’m here for you, and you matter deeply to me, so I’m going to repeat a secure attachment phrase like ‘You matter to me’ to anchor our connection in conscious care” (Shema #2; Blessing #2; 8 Cs: Consciousness, Confidence, Christ).

 13. I affirm my partner’s efforts to connect and love well. “I really appreciate how you stayed emotionally present today; that meant a lot to me. I notice what you’re doing and I want to affirm your efforts to love well, and I too want to celebrate the smallest, greatest or any attempt to connect with, and show love to me” (Shema #3; Blessing #2 and #3; 8 Cs: Care, Consciousness, Celebration, Consciousness).

 14. I initiate repair through soft starts and a warm presence. “I think what will help our situation next time is for me to say, ‘I’m sorry for how I said that; can I try that again?’  I do want to repair any rupture we have with softness and honor my commitment to our shared healing” (Shema #2; Blessing #5; 8 Cs: Compassion, Communication, Celebration, Christ.

 15. I regulate my emotion as an act of spiritual strength and relational protection. “I’ll let you know when I need to pause and breathe, because I want to share calm with you and not chaos. Pausing and breathing helps me to regulate my emotions and helps me to choose containment and collaboration over control or callousness, because at the end of the day, I really do want you to know I love you, and care about you” (Shema #1; Blessing #5; 8 Cs: Choice; Consciousness, Calmness).

 16. I develop shared emotional language to grow intimacy. “I know I need to develop my emotional awareness, and a vocabulary that demonstrates that skill. I need and want to communicate the appropriate words that captures and honors our process to remain on the pathway to intimacy” (Shema #2; Blessing #2 and #3; 8 Cs: Clarity, Choice, Communication, Confidence).

 17. I use co-regulation practices to create and maintain safety and presence. “Can we (experiment with and) hold hands while we talk?  That helps me feel seen, safe, connected and calm with you.  For me, co-regulation and calmness is restored when we practice contact, touch and tone, that helps me to feel safe and comforted” (Shema #1; Blessing #1; 8 Cs: Calmness, Care, Connection, Courage).

 18. I consistently create a safe space to voice our needs and concerns. “Could we meet up every Sunday and Wednesday evening for 30 – 45 minutes to share our needs, concerns, and what we can do about them?  I want to create a safe space for both of us to share what’s going on in our hearts and how we’re doing. What do you think?” (Shema #2; Blessing #5; 8 Cs: Curiosity, Connectedness, Creativity, Collaboration).

 19. I also create, engage in and practice behaviors that builds emotional safety and enhances our connection with each other. “Our morning check-ins help me feel loved and connected with you; especially when you greet me warmly and with gentleness.  I do feel safe in your presence, and I want to thank you for being consistent and creating an environment for us to bond.” (Shema #4; Blessing #4 and #5; 8 Cs: Care, Connectedness, Celebration).

 20. I build emotional trust with consistent love. “You can count on me to respond with care again and again, because I want to practice wise behavior that rebuilds trust and strengthens our connection, and I know that my showing up consistently with care is the medicine that will help us to get stronger” (Shema #4; Blessing #5; 8 Cs: Confidence, Choice, Christ).

 21. I track and gently interrupt reactive cycles with mutual awareness. “When I notice we’re falling into that old ‘blame-shame, attack-avoid’ pattern, I’ll suggest that we pause and stay connected instead. When I see the old pursue-withdraw cycle arise, I’m going to replace it with a bid to create collaborative awareness with you so we don’t interrupt our ability to heal and love each other” (Shema #4; Blessing #1 and #5; 8 Cs: Courage, Confidence, Collaboration, Communication, Connectedness).

 22. I help us to transform fear-based habits into loving presence. “Let’s pause and choose love over fear in how we respond to this moment.  I choose to consciously love you, trading fear-driven habits for wise, value-based and value-aligned actions” (Shema #1; Blessing #5; 8 Cs: Confidence, Choice, Courage).

 23. I integrate into our relationship shared emotional, spiritual and relationship building values. “Let’s name the virtues and values that matter the most, that we wish to plant, develop, grow, harvest and enjoy over the next 120 days McGill’s ‘Micro-season,’ and support each other in living them out on a daily basis.” (Shema #4; Blessing #4 and #5; 8 Cs: Clarity, Collaboration, Celebration, Christ).

24. I set clear boundaries that protect the love we are growing. “I’m setting boundaries to not withdraw from conflict; on the other hand, I will use my energy to consider what and how I speak my truth in love with you, so that kindness displayed in this manner helps me to preserve and protect our closeness and connection” (Shema #2; Blessing #1 and #5; 8 Cs: Choice, Courage, Communication, Compassion).

 25. I celebrate progress toward secure attachment goals with gratitude and joy. “Is there any way I can thank you for the hard work but precious gift of presence you gave to me today?  I really appreciate how we stayed calm and close during those hard moments, and I want to acknowledge, honor and celebrate your contribution to our healing and growth” (Shema #4; Blessing #4; 8 Cs: Creativity, Celebration, Consciousness, Connection).

Thanks for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill: Daily Bread for Life and “3–2- 5–4–24” for additional information that could be helpful.